He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I am one with the molecules
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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