the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
