That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
