plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Randomize
