my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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