Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
