This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
