yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
