I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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