I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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