In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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