The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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