Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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