I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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