You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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