based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
