I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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