she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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