so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
