Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
