About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
