I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
