Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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