The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
