on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
How's work?
Spinning.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
