I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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