I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
