is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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