just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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