maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You pole danced in your parka.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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