I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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