It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
