my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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