The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
