I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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