I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
