No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
