he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
