your thong is hanging out like whoa
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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