he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The beer is more important than you right now.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
