Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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