u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
50% drunk capacity currently
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
