He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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