my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I supernannyed him into submission
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
