I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
