I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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