i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think i got beer on your cat.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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