Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
