At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
