Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
