after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
