I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
