At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
